julchen11 (julchen11) wrote,

Happy belated birthday lijahlover !!!

I'm so sorry for being late, sweetheart! I Hope you had a wonderful day filled with love, joy, laughter, sunshine, starlight and happiness!
I'm wishing you all the very best.

I just finished a little something and I hope you'll like it.
As always NO BETA, all mistakes are MINE!

Title: Blissful ignorance
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: G

Writing. I always loved writing but only for my own. The muse slowly awakes.
Desk and chair.
You don’t need more.
It’s all there – the pages are still blank, and yet – there’s this miraculous feeling words, sentences, stories are  there already.
You have to listen… just paying  attention to the sound of words, arranging them to make them visible.
Writing … is mystery to me. Because it doesn’t … you don’t  need much making riddles out of answers.
You only need … letters formed to words.
The first word, the first line can make it work when words simply … flow.
From your brain … to your fingers … to paper.
When something’s bothering me, haunting me like the demons of our past to only way to calm me down is writing.
I’m thinking about the demons, how we fought them.  
Slowly and fast.
Under pressure and by choice.
Alone and together.
Together … what a meaningful word… can I call it word only?
Tonight. The night after the monster was weird, it’s still weird because this night isn’t over.
It was the night Casey asked me to stay, not to leave him alone.
I looked around to find an old rocking chair to sleep in.
Casey made a gesture to the other side of the bed “It’s space for both of us…We both fit in here” he said in a low voice.
I hadn’t slept much the last days and laying down just felt good.
Slowly his breathing came at ease in the dark.
Nightmares. I woke up instantly when Casey sat up in bed and gasped, breathing painfully fast.
When I called his name, putting my hand on his small shoulder he turned his eyes on me
looking … surprised. It seemed he had forgotten that I was there.
Sobs. “It all comes back, Zeke. When I close my eyes … I’m facing it again, I can see it all. Over and over again…”
I couldn’t help myself staring at him. My heart felt heavy when I realized the wounds and bruises on Casey’s face. Visible ones. What got me more were the invisible ones, they always are much harder to bear.
Eyes. Endless misery. He was so pale, so fragile … and haunted. Skin sweaty and clammy.
He swallowed a couple of times, looked miserable – I’ve never seen him like this before not even the last night. He sounded … broken when he nearly choked “Yesterday I learned how quickly  all can be over…”
For some time I just laid there, trying to find the right words to reassure him, to make this stop. To make him feel better. To make me feel stronger.
To me he’s always fragile, like he’s made of glass – he always makes me want to protect him.
Pain. When I looked at him at this moment made my heart ached … all the innocence was gone. Irretrievably lost.
He whispered “I feel like I should do something … let people know what they mean to me…”
Casey’s eyes shimmered with tears as he stared at me, the moonlight danced on his face, silhouetted his lean body.
Touch. He looked at me with serious expression as I brushed his cheek lightly, he didn’t even move when I pressed my lips on his.
Right or wrong? I’m still not sure what was going on. I’m not sure why he let it happen. Perhaps we both needed to know that we’re not alone, that there was someone who … cared. That there was someone who wanted to hold us.
We kept kissing softly, tenderly, endlessly and this wasn’t playfully. It was meaningful.
Space-time-continuum. I didn’t even register it was Casey next to me – we both became weightless, formless, anonymous, bodiless – there was just this enormous feeling of … care.
Everything had lost meaning. It was just me and Casey … but…
Casey wasn’t Casey anymore, even I myself had vanished … it felt like between heaven and earth, between two trees, somewhere in the universe …
We were on the way to vanish into thin air, as was the room, the sheets, the bed, air and time. But we were safe, safe in the here and now.
When I broke the kiss and opened my eyes he looked at me with an expression on his face I’d never seen. Not by him, not by anyone.
It was wrong, it shouldn’t be happening.
Was it really that wrong? Why not letting it happen?
Seeing his eyes, full of pain and … trust I pressed my lips on his again.
I could feel his slow breathing and the drumming heartbeat. We kept our eyes closed when I stopped again.
With my hands in his we fell asleep.
Maybe in the morning all would be gone, maybe in the morning we would regret what happened.
But now it felt right, it was the night of blissful ignorance.  Probably it was the only night
without fear and dark, it was the night we just cared.
Possibly it would be a start , perhaps it COULD be a start.
How did he say? I feel like I should do something … let people know what they mean to me…”
I think I should do this, too.
I woke up one hour later only with  this urgent feeling to write.
To write it all down. Now I’m sitting here pouring my soul into my writing.
Teardrops smudge the ink written  words … blurring the boundaries between presence and future.
So let me swim with you, Casey … to the darkest and deepest corner of your brain.  People survive pain. People survive  hurt. So why wouldn’t we be two of the people surviving this…
Crawling back beside him  his sleeping presence is flooding me with emotions.  I’m so glad he finally sleeps as I’d so like to be him awake – because  his eyes draw me to a place of peace, peace …
That’s all we need for now.

Tags: birthday; c/z; ficlet;

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