julchen11 (julchen11) wrote,
julchen11
julchen11

a C/Z ficlet

As I told you I  can't do anything outside it's much more time for writing :-))



That's for you addie71 , I hope you like it.
As always not beta - all mistakes are MINE!


Title: Courage
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: PG



There was something in the air, I was sure. It was like a whisper in the world:
the wind, the steps of passing people, my own breathing - this all wanted to tell me something.
Probably I only wished that something would change.
This summer I'd turn 30.
A good point of time for new ways, maybe even an overdue point of time.

I got a postcard 2 days ago.
"It's me. If you are bold enough - call me."
Casey. After all these years.

It was only a line but it kept memorized, inadvertently.
Boldness! Why should I be bold to call him.
I wasn't irritated only, I got angry without knowing the reason why.
Soon my anger had turned into rage, it went so far that I thought to hear a clear voice
"Tell him what you think! At once!"
I had never heard voices, not even when I had a fever running.

I took the postcard again (usually I would have ignored such impertinence entirely),
nearly went to the wastebasket but I couldn't bring myself to throw it away.
Casey.

Maybe I had to rethink - not to scare away in reflex
things that confused me,
but rather to take a closer look at what had touched me.

How was that with the courage?
Wasn't I the uncrowned king , the hero of Herrington High?
Beautiful, strong, brave.
Where the hell did this boy go?
When did he vanish?

I remembered Casey, his smell of peppermint, ink, old books and earth.
We had been close, very close but before the final step ...
uncertainty and the desire to remain free
stopped me and our sort of relationship ended.

He said I had broken his heart and moved to Europe.
I had always hoped his broken heart would be healed.
Mine
is still bleeding.

I remembered his last words: 'Who wants to make his dream come true has to be more awake,
has to dream deeper as others do.'

In me a sadness rose like an earthworm looking for dry place on a wet path.
Did I miss him that much?
Maybe it was the lesson in pride, maybe it was how to learn not to lie...

The decision was made even though I realized I made it
when I heard his voice.

...

As soon as we met we both knew nothing had changed between us.
He was still my Casey and I was still his Zeke.
There were no questions only answers - yes, I still love you. And he loves me.

This means every morning, every hour we'll decide entirely on life,
for us, just like it is, where it is.
To taste it as deep like precious any moment is.

I got my life back, I got my future back.
Our life, our future.
Casey's and mine.

Together we can face the fear, I will learn how to give,
I will learn how to accept what's given to me.
And yes, love needs courage. Much of it.
But
Love is everything.
Tags: c/z; ficlet;
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