Good morning f-list!
It's already fall here. It's a little bit cold but the air is fresh and clean (I just finished my morning walk) - oh, I love this in the early morning hours.
Now I'm off to work *sigh*
Have a fantastic week!
Love and hugs,
Title: Kingdom of Loneliness - Letter 39
when you called me last night I was concerned. When I met you this morning I felt it was much more worse than I thought it to be. I could feel there was something going on in your mind, something that bothered you. I didn’t ask. I didn’t need to ask.When you hugged me you were so close and yet so far away. You felt it, too. “What do you think about me, Casey?” Oh my, this dream must have been very intense that you dared to ask me that question. “How do you see me, Casey?” You looked … fearful? It wasn’t easy to answer because you didn’t want to know how physical attractive or unattractive you are (to me you are the most beautiful man by the way).
So I asked you “What exactly do you want to know, Zeke?” I took your hand to encourage you though I still knew what you were going to ask. So many unspoken questions I could see in your eyes. “You want to know if you are the bad guy you think you are? Why you can’t enjoy what’s developing slowly? If you are the cool, reckless, mean man people call you? How do you see yourself, Zeke?” Exhaling deeply you shrugged your shoulders and said … nothing.
“So you won’t talk or can’t talk.”
You stood up walking to the window, looking outside that I might not see your face. I didn’t need to see it because I can see through you when you’re like this.
“You’re a worrier, Zeke. It isn’t only that you think too much, no. Sometimes you just don’t take the right way…You think too less of yourself. Don’t run away, Zeke. The revelation, explanation of this dream – I don’t know how people found out the meaning of dreams – but I think there’s a little truth in those words. The book says you’re emotionally drained. I don’t think you’re worn out, we’re just at the beginning. You think it costs you too much strength to accept that there’s someone who takes care, who loves you. On one hand you don’t want to leave the “old” Zeke behind … Do you think you’ve been like a king? Because of how you are or were? But what kingdom was it? It was a kingdom of loneliness, coldness and darkness. Now you think you could lose your reputation? The king will lose his crown? Because you have feelings for someone, feelings that make you vulnerable? Will it be a loss at all, Zeke? In your dreams you were running. Don’t run away from yourself, Zeke. Of course it’s an unknown land you’re travelling through, an unknown land you’ll discover. You didn’t mean it but it happens.
The faceless figure – why do you think it was you? Couldn’t it have been me as well? You only dreamt about a blurred face … a familiar face, maybe a familiar silhouette? Was the person/figure/ghost as tall as you are? “
You leaned against the window frame, head down “I can’t say, Casey. It was only the shadow of a face and I’m sure it was me, it felt like me…”
You looked so forlorn
“zeke, I don’t know if I’m right. But you should know you are not alone, you are never alone anymore. Do you hear me?
You sat beside me, elbows on your knees, your face buried in your hands – wit muffled voice you hissed “I hate this state… I hate it, I hate it… oh god, I hate it…”
Looking at me with swollen eyes, your face tear-stricken I felt so sorry for you. “To you weeping means weakness, to me it means strength. You’re a good man, Zeke. You are not unworthy. You are very important – to me you are the most important person in my life. You’re worried about the path of life that you are taking. You said you want to change everything. This you can’t do within a few days or months. It’s a slow process even to change
A little something. You don’t have to work it out alone. You are not lost, love. You talking to me – me talking to you – means so much. To know it’s right what we are doing means trust. Trust is more important than anything else. Love won’t work without trust, Zeke. Let me trust you, trust me, too.”
In my arms you cried for a very long time, silently, unspectacular – you just wept. I’m glad you did. It’s a huge step toward us, a step into your new life. I’m so proud of you though it grieves me that you suffer so much.
“Are you unhappy, Zeke?”
This made you cry even more but in tears you smiled at me … kept quiet for quite a time “No, Casey. No. I’m not unhappy. Not any more. No. Casey. Though I can’t say if I’m happy.
Happy to have found you – yes. Happy or satisfied with myself – no, I don’t think so. “
Long, deep, with all I had I kissed you. It felt like a seal.
“Let me love you, Zeke. Just let me love you. My love is strong enough for both of us if it’s necessary…”
You kissed me back, soft and light … “You still love me, Casey. I think I love you, too. “
“Zeke… I’m not the angel you think me to be, not at all. I have my secrets, desires … they are not at all angelic…”
This afternoon we decided to go out tomorrow. I’m looking forward to seeing you again.
But now it’s time to tell my parents about me and about us. No more hide and seek.
If they will accept us I may not say but I’ll stand to you. Always.
See you tomorrow morning…
With all my love,