julchen11 (julchen11) wrote,
julchen11
julchen11

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Kingdom of Loneliness



The next letter is for my dear   hobbitlove83   !I hope you'll enjoy.

I'm sorry I missed your birthday, darling! I wish you all the very best: sun, joy, smiles, hugs, kisses, starlight and moonshine!

Love and kisses,
Julchen


Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
         Letter 38
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: PG

Dear Casey,

 

I'm glad you sent me the letter. I'm kind of happy, but confused as well. Why are you ashamed of yourself? You say you are not perfect, maybe you aren't but who needs perfection? I know you hate phrases as much as I do but I must, I simply must tell you: to me you are beautiful in every kind of way. Why do I have to switch the lights off when you get undressed. You have body, soul and heart of an angel.  I won't do you any harm, Casey. Never. You thought I want more body contact? Yes and no. Yes – there is this carnal desire. No – when I look into your eyes sometimes I don't even dare touching you. Because it might be I'd cross  borderlines I don't know, my borderlines. It's more than confusing.

You're not ready to go further, not at all. So how could I? I won't, Casey. I'll wait for you. I suspected it and I'm scared, scared to death that you'll leave me. All crying, screaming, yearning at night can't take away the fear I feel.

At night no one is here to get me back, no one takes me away from agony and despair. Now that I know how it feels to fall asleep with you in my arms I miss it so much. Sometimes even when you're here you seem to be so far away, lost in a world I can't reach yet.  I want to talk to you about it, about so many things but I still don't dare to do so. Maybe you would run away, as far from me as you can   - never to return. This imagination is horrible. Terrifying.

 

And the dreams are back… There's a world I thought I'd left it behind. Last night in my dream the dark dressed man was there, dark and evil. Again the face was blurred. It felt like me and yet it was a stranger.   I couldn't see you anymore – I ran and ran and ran, I stumbled and fell … got up again … running on and on but I couldn't find you. I felt sick, cold and exhausted. Looking at my bare  feet they  were dirty. I couldn't remember where I've been. Did I run for real? Where was I? It was a very dark and haunting place, maybe a forest. No lights, no moonshine, nothing. Only darkness around. The twigs hit me but I didn't feel pain. How long I was running I can't say. And why did I run at all?  Why? Then I was home again. The garage was empty, cold, the windows were opened and so was the door when I arrived. When I put off my sweater  I found  deep cuts on my wrists. Blood running down my arms, to my hands, dripping on the floor… I shivered, ice-cold hands grabbed me, turning me around, I was fighting against those ghostlike hands .  Then I heard you screaming. There was  blood on the floor and the smell of copper in the air…  This made me feel helpless, I couldn't move. I heard you again but you weren't there. Even in this empty room I couldn't see you, I could only hear you crying out with pain. It feels so very real…  that I woke up weeping – your painful piercing shouts were still drumming in my ears, in my head. I was looking at myself. No cuts on my wrists, no dirt on my feet. I barely couldn't move, my knees were shaking, my body was covered with cold sweat. Over and over again I told myself – it was a dream, a nightmare but a dream, only a dream, only a horrible dream.

 

My heart still hammers wildly thinking about it, writing about it -. What did this dream mean, Casey? God Casey. I wished you were here. Then it hit me – what if something happened to you? I felt sick. I had to know if you were ok. That's why I called you at 3 a.m., I just needed to know you're ok. I wanted to hear your voice. When you talked to me I was so relieved. Your voice eased my restlessness a bit. I could breath again. "What's up, Zeke? Are you ok?"  I told you I just wanted to hear you because I had to think of the sound of your voice. How stupid. "Zeke? What was it you were dreaming about?" Ouch, you know me too well… "I'm ok, Casey. I just wanted to hear your voice…" I could hear you breathing … god, how I love it… "Zeke… we'll talk about it now"

"I'm ok, Casey. Don't worry…it’s late." – "Zeke! You give me a call in the middle of the night and you WANTED to hear my voice?" –

"yes." –

"Really?" –

"Nnnno… I NEEDED to hear you, Casey. I'm sorry. Go back to bed…"  

"ZEKE! You can't leave me this way. How can I help you…" –

"You just did it, love. You just did it. "  

"You're so sweet, Zeke…"

so  I couldn't bring myself  telling you about the dream. We talked a little while , I asked you stupid questions about what you are doing right now.

"Zeke. What - I'm glad you called me. "

 

No. I couldn't tell you. I felt poor that I called you.

 

"You should go to bed, Zeke. I'll see you in a few hours and then you have to tell me what happened, k?"

 

You knew I couldn't talk about it now - whatever it would be.

 

"Sleep sweet, Zeke…"

 

How should this be possible?

 

"Zeke?" – "Hmmm.." –

"I love you,  Zeke".

 

That's why I love you so much. So very much. More than I can say."I love you, too." This you didn't hear anymore… The rest of the night I spent in the kitchen, drank gallons of coffee because I couldn't bring myself to go back to bed. I didn't want to fall asleep again.

 

This dream is still haunting me. I wanted to know more about it. For the first time in years I entered my parent's house looking for a book about interpretation of dreams. It was a strange feeling in those rooms. Familiar and hated. That's what it is (and always will be) to me. Running back home again I hesitated … Did I really want to know… but I couldn't resist, Casey.

 

First I looked for the meaning of blood in my dreams. It's said it represents life, love and passion. It also could represent disappointment. To dream that I was bleeding signified that I'm emotionally drained. Emotionally drained … maybe I am. Love and passion… Won't think about it too much. Because I would have to go much deeper – right into my darkest corners. I'm not able to do this … now… not yet.  How can I be emotionally drained – shouldn't I be happy? You love me. Yes. You love me. I am happy. Am I happy? I am happy. I want to be happy.

 

Then I looked for the meaning of running… I stumbled in my dreams many times, I even have fallen twice.

I found out this means (so they say) -  If you stumble or fall while running you may loose status or reputation. What reputation? I'll lose THE Zeke reputation because I'm with you? Because I love you? Because I want to change something? I want to change so much, that's true –where to start? Maybe people won't accept the new Ezekiel Tyler, maybe they'll laugh at me. Do I care? Oh yes. It will hurt me, I'm sure. I'm not made of steel and iron, I'm living -made of flesh and blood. But you are worth it, Casey. Maybe some time I'll be worth it as well.

 

To dream of running is a warning for you to be careful in making new trades. I'm more confused than before. I am careful, I always will be careful. OK, I wasn't careful BEFORE you. I took what I could get without asking, without taking care if I could hurt someone. I just didn't feel anything … No. This isn't true. I had feelings, I even call indifference a feeling. I worked hard on it and now? Gone with the wind. We're together  for only a few days but I learned that I have to make a difference between important and unimportant things. I only have to find out what's the important part besides you.

 

Then there was my face, if it was my face at all… To dream about your own face represents bursting emotions. Bursting emotions? But the face was faceless… To see a faceless figure in your dream signifies that you are still searching for your own identity and finding out who you are.

If you dream that you cannot find someone in the dark suggests that you need to keep a cool on your temper. To dream that you are lost in the dark signifies feelings of depression or insecurity.

I'm not depressed but I'm insecure. Not  about IF I love you, Casey but insecure if we can keep this going. If I can keep this going – if I can strengthen it. I have to be strong again, I want to be the stronger one. I never felt that weak and fragile. Fragile? I'm not fragile – I'm Zeke Tyler. The Zeke Tyler. Then why did my parents leave me alone… Should stop this at once…Delete the word 'parents' forever … again… and again… and again…

 

Reading on in the book …

To wake up crying represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface and you can no longer hold it in

Previous drama would capture it better. But ok. It's over. I'm done with the past. God, I'm such a liar. If I could cope with the past I wouldn't talk about it. But there’s an unknown NEED talking about it. Though I'll keep quiet for a while. I burdened you with it more than enough.

 

To dream that you are alone indicates feelings of rejection and you may feel that no one understands you.

To dream that you or something is dirty represents your anxieties and feelings towards sex. The dream is a symbol of unworthiness and low self-esteem.

 

As I thought – unworthy. That's so me. But am I THAT bad? Bad guy Tyler gets lost in angelic Casey. God, Casey. I'd give you years of my life if you could be here now. Just be here. I won't tell you anything about this shit. Shit – only using the words in this case makes me feel uncomfortable. Go on reading, Zeke…

 

To dream that you are lost suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be worried about the path of life that you are taking. This dream may also indicate that you are trying to adapt to a new situation or relationship. To dream that someone else is lost unresolved feelings regarding the person that is lost.

 

I wish I'd never started reading the book – I'm glad I did. How weird is this? Hard stuff …

I don't think I can work this out alone. Even together it could be too complicated. But hey, it was only a stupid nightmare. Nothing more.  Nothing less, too.

 

Only one hour then you'll be back. I'm looking forward to you, Casey. I miss you.

 

Love,

Zeke

Tags: kingdom of loneliness; fanfiction;
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