julchen11 (julchen11) wrote,

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Kingdom of Loneliness

I had the shit of a day today - when I got up there was a flood of water in my kitchen, the dish washer was leaking. Wonderful. The plumber arrived in the afternoon and got it fixed temporary. But he told us most of the water pipes need to be removed at the latest in 2010. The costs nearly killed me ...5000 EURO! Hello? I'm not Rockefeller.
2010 ... hmmm... it's next year. I should play the lottery or I should look for a sponsor.
My roomie was very moody because of this (he lost his job again) and it took me quite a while (and much energy) to calm him down.
Now he's sound asleep (good boy), cats are playing around and I feel good. 5000 EURO? I think we'll make it. Somehow. There's already an idea fixed in my head ...

This night was great! I read a lot - very very relaxing.

Time for the next KoL letter ...
It's for my dear  lireeli   and my f-list just to say "Thank you family!"

Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
          Letter 37
Pairing: C/Z
Rating:  PG

Dear Zeke,


I never expected you that gently. When your hands touched my face this evening I had no fear, I didn’t worry anymore. All the time you touched me you told me how you felt. Watching us in the mirror made me feel a little bit embarrassed – as well as you.

This time I enjoyed being touched. I think you enjoyed my touches, too.


I asked you “When was the last time you were in love with someone and they were in love with you?

When was the last time you were hold by someone who really meant it?

When was the last time you were told you were the only one?”


You smiled, barely to see, and said “If I’m yours the answer will be every day I know you.”

You really love me, Zeke. You love me so much it hurts but I don’t know if I’m the right one for you. Maybe you expect too much, something I’m possibly not able to give.

I will try, no, I want to try to give you as much back as you are giving to me. But you have to be patient.


Few days have passed since this special night – days with kisses and touches and nothing more. You want more. I can feel it. Yesterday it was hard for you to hold back but you did it. With great exertion. It’s always hard for me to undress – even we don’t switch on the light. Then you told me what you are feeling holding me, kissing me and you told me you want more. I could see the physical pain in your eyes, I could see sadness, too.


I don’t know how long this will last, Zeke – but I’m living for moments like this, I call them our moments, every day.

Being home again, alone in my room I feel horrible without you. Now that I know how it can be not to be alone the stillness is so hard to bear.


Last night you were so disappointed because we both didn’t know how far we will be able to go. You told me you want me, you really want me but when it comes to love I’m always flinching. All I can say I want you, too. It isn’t easy, I don’t know what to do, Zeke.

Laying in bed with you I let things drift away … the images in my dreams are very clear. In my dreams I do love you but in reality I can’t cope with it. Not yet.


So much happened to us in the past but it’s only the top of the iceberg. I’m sure there are still many tiny little splinters hurting me. Hurting us. Beneath the surface. Things we possibly don’t think of. We have to talk a lot I guess to reveal our souls.


Give me some more time, please. You understand, don’t you?

Thinking about losing you is unbearable. But you still left heart-prints, Zeke. They can’t be erased.


See you later,


Tags: kingdom of loneliness; fanfiction;

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