julchen11 (julchen11) wrote,

Hello my dear friends!
Thank you so much for your wonderful words and your support. They did me good and they did my dad good!
I read your comments to him this evening and he moved his hand - for the first time since July 16th we got a sign that he's still there. Thank you, thank you, thank you from me, my dad and my mom.

It's been a while that I posted the last letter for the KoL series ... so here we go again :-)
Thanks to my dear aliensouldream   for looking over it, for the wonderful banner and all the encouragement!
Love you, sweetie!

This letter is for prisca1960    !  No, sweetie - I didn't forget about the letters :-)

Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
         Letter 36
Paring: C/Z
Rating: G

Dear Casey,


I’m still shocked about what you told me. You told me something no one knows. Even now, some days later, thinking about it makes me shiver. When you were talking your voice was so cold, there wasn’t even a glimpse of hate in it. You didn’t hold back, you just talked motionless. You showed me a Casey I didn’t know, I didn’t know you that lifeless. At the end you got tense and finally you cried. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. When I asked you if I would know those people you nodded but you wouldn’t tell me who they are. Not yet. All the time I held you it felt like you didn’t notice I was there.

You said you see them now and then from the distance – this gives me chills. Those people will always be reminders of the darkness that it’s holding a broken frame.


We’ve being used, out of control. We both saw a glimpse of Satan – so we’ll be our own version of heaven. We’ve to work this out, we have to go on. Clouds of sorrow weight our hearts far too long. I think – even we are so very young – we’ve come to a crossroad in our lives. And we are not alone anymore. But we have to be true to ourselves, true to each other. It won’t be easy. I’m as scared as you, Casey, maybe more than you, but I believe in the future, I believe in us. We can find peace, all the wonders of our world where we’ll find rest.

We rekindled our lights. Take me by my hands – I’ll take you by yours. There’s a chance for us to become whole again. I’m sure there’s still a lot to talk about. I’m always here to listen as you are here listening to me.


For the first time I’m in awe that it could be love. No. – it couldn’t be love. It IS love.

Or something I can’t express. Something deeper.

Life hasn’t been fair to us but I swear, whatever I can do to ease your pain I will do.


I cried because I missed you while you were talking, only listening to your voice made it easier to bear. You came back from a distant black world and I could take you in my arms -again I noticed I love you so much I could cry all the time.


You asked me after a while of just cuddling, holding – “How does love look like, Zeke?”

I turned you around that you could watch us in the mirror. “Look at us, Casey. That’s what love looks like…” Like the tides of my life I was watching your chest rise and fall. It felt strange watching me but I couldn’t, wouldn’t look away. We made love with our hands, pressing our palms together, fingers twining, fingertips to fingertips, touches like butterfly kisses. One hand around your waist, one hand on your shoulder I looked at us intensely. You looked at me …

“You’re so beautiful, Zeke…” I had to close my eyes because what I felt was too overwhelming. Our hands touched ears, necks, throats, shoulders, faces …


“God, I … Casey…”


We made love with our eyes and most of all we made love with our hearts. I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near. Someone cares, someone understands – it’s you Casey. You touched my scars so gently over and over again until I relaxed. Until YOU relaxed.


It was the night of touches of caretaking and tenderness. I had nothing to do with sex – we both knew it. I think we made the first step into a better life, Casey. I won’t waste time anymore, at least one time the day I’ll tell you I like you. I wish I would be able to say more…  Though you know it already.

But I want to say it, I want to hear those words spoken by me – to you.


I love you,



Tags: kingdom of loneliness; fanfiction;
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