Good morning f-list!
I got the rat! It was really big but very calm when I set her free in the wood close by.
So today I'll bake some birthday cakes (3 to be exactly) -the one I made last night, oh my - I forgot eggs and sugar and now you can admire this work of art in the dustbin.
Mark my words: you shouldn't read fanfiction when you are baking!
Have a fantastic Sunday with all the love and joy you deserve.
Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
thank you so much for your letter. It means so very much to me. It shows me you are human, you are vulnerable but you are stronger than you think yourself to be. I’m deeply touched.
There’s so much I want to tell you but I’m at a loss for words.
When we sat on your couch, I felt safe in your arms and it encouraged me to tell you something about myself. Something nobody knows. Maybe it didn’t sound that bad to you but I felt the need to talk about it.
My parents took always care of me, they are good people. 3 years ago the sent me to a summer camp because they wanted me to spend some time with young people that I may find friends.
When I arrived I had to share my room with 3 boys. They have been nice and friendly, they seemed to be interested in what I was doing. One night they planned an adventure night – they called it like this – and I got an invitation to join them. Though I wasn’t that much interested I didn’t want to be a spoilsport. I was even looking forward to the night.
At a little clearing we build up the tent, had a campfire, one of the guys even played the guitar. I enjoyed it so far until … more guys and girls joined us. The sat very close to me – too close. 2 girls fiddled at me and I asked them to stop it. But they didn’t. I became louder when one of the girls yelled and shouted at me I should leave her alone. I got some strange looks from the boys so I went down to the river. I regretted being there. It wasn’t as nice as I thought it would be.
Suddenly I was grabbed by my arms and feet and tugged into the river to dove me into the water over and over again. I thought I’d be drowning. After a while one of the guys grabbed me and pulled off my shirt and my jeans. They dragged me back to the camp and I got bound to a tree. They were much bigger than I was and so much stronger, I couldn’t do anything against it. Then they started to burn me with blazing hot twigs, only for a second but millions of times. Minutes stretched to hours, hours stretched to … weeks. They hurt me but they have been very careful to leave no permanent marks.
At this moment you squeezed my hands and held me tighter, stroking my back and kissing my temples. I didn’t know if I could go on but because you kept quiet I continued…
After a while the girls came and rubbed honey all over my body. I was naked, bound and I felt so ashamed but they didn’t hear me. They touched me … everywhere… and though I hated it I got … I got… hard. God, Zeke – it was disgusting. And they didn’t stop. They just didn’t stop. I hated it… so many hands on my body, touching, squeezing, rubbing … I can’t tell you how I felt. Sick. Angry. Sad. Desperate. Dirty. They laughed at me, took some photos and then they gave me a ‘feather bath’ like they called it. All of them became more and more angry because I didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t shout, I couldn’t move . I felt dirty and numb. Then they set me free. It was almost dawn.
I stumbled through the forest and all I wanted was to get out of this camp, to leave it at once. I went back to the camp, packed my stuff and ran… I couldn’t call my parents because they were on vacation so I had to walk – 500 miles back home. Fortunately a friendly truck driver picked me up and gave me a ride home. I felt so dirty, useless, unworthy to be alive.
At home I felt in trance… deaf, defeated, tired and old. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t do anything. When my parents came back home again they asked me how it was. I couldn’t tell them… Maybe they’d have believed me – but – like you – I kept quiet. Hopefully nobody would hear anything about it. Few days letter I got an envelope with those embarrassing photos. No address. No letter. Only photos addressed to my father. I told him it was a test of courage. God was he angry! He called me a slut and that was exactly how I felt.
“You are no slut, Casey…”
You looked so hurt, Zeke. And furious. “Why didn’t you report them to the police, Case?”
How could I? There were are no visible scars left besides a little scar beside my eye. This always reminds me – day by day – of this horrible day. Maybe tests of courage have to be like that…
“Casey! Jesus, no. A test of courage is something you should do freely.”
When you touched me the first time, Zeke – I had to close my eyes because I waited for …pain. Though you were so gentle… but I couldn’t enjoy it. Not really.
At the camp I was so happy the first days, I even found one of the guys attractive… False hopes. False emotions. Endless torment. That’s all I got because I let my heart speak even only for a little. I know it’s stupid because I didn’t know anything about this guy.
But now I’m glad you are here… the difficult part for me is that when I follow my heart, I leave normal, I go into the unknown… at this time I’m the only player of the game, Zeke. For both of us there’s a burden to carry, a very hard path to take. We both had to pay our prices though I don’t know for what and why we had to pay that hard.
Remember the night when you came to me and you slipped beside me under the blanket – it was the first time ever I didn’t think about my emotional nakedness, I didn’t feel ashamed … I was – and I still am just in love with you. Not this easy going sweetie pie thing…
And then you kissed me… gently and very long… and I let it happen. No, that’s not true.
I enjoyed it.
What I didn’t know at this time was that a night full of love and touches were waiting for us…