julchen11 (julchen11) wrote,

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Have a wonderful weekend, my friends!

I’ve to go to the cellar – there’s a rat! But the life trap is prepared so it shouldn’t be a problem to get her and abandon her in the wood tomorrow morning.

See you later!

Banner made by my dear aliensouldream 
This is for you, sweetie!

Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
          Letter 34
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: PG

My dear Casey,


when I woke up in your arms this morning I felt so incredibly happy.

You begged me to stay … but I had to go.

Outside it was much colder than last night …

I kissed you the first time since I arrived. It’s unbelievable – but it wasn’t the night for sex, it was the night for something more, much more.


At home I smiled, had to think about our … conversation… I hope we’ll have the strength to go through this and it’s just the beginning. But I’ll hold back a little bit. I don’t know what it is … but you always make me talk, I just want to talk about everything no one ever heard. But I fear for you that it will be too much.


I feel ashamed. I shouldn’t bother you with all this crap of my past. I’m so insecure if it was right to tell you something I didn’t make through so far.


When I’m talking … in these moments it’s like I’m bursting. Like it all needed to be said even it’s not easy. You fought with tears, oh Casey… I didn’t mean it. Believe me. But I couldn’t stop.


Things have changed, haven’t they? If for the better I may not say. You are so strong. At the moment I’m absorbing your strength and I don’t like it. You feel like the air I have to breath… People think they know me living only day in day out. But it’s my decision what I want them to know. With you it’s different… You asked me if I didn’t try to talk to anyone. There wasn’t a single person whom I trusted enough, Case. It’s not that I didn’t see a therapist but for the love of God I couldn’t bring myself to “speak”. I was there – two times – but no word left my lips. I tried to, I tried very hard to talk but I just couldn’t!  This made me feel even worse so I cancelled the following appointments.  And I never went back.


Then you came into my life. Suddenly the world seemed friendlier, brighter somehow. I felt hope, I felt relief – there’s someone good in this whole wide world. So I started watching you secretly and it didn’t take long when I had feelings for you. No, those feelings have been there from the very start. You smiled at me and I knew something unbelievable could happen.

At daytime I felt pretty good, at night time I felt terrible.


Then the doubts came back. Why should you be interested in me? All bad qualities bundled in me: arrogance, false pride, stubbornness, bragging… I knew this all but I didn’t change a thing because I could loose my reputation. There are better people, Casey. You deserve better. I know this.

So before I’d loose my hard won arrogance I took lots of steps back. I was confused, angry, full of hate about myself and about you. Who were you making me feel like this? I never knew I’m gay. I thought I loved girls … but they’ve always been used to pass the time.  Sounds cruel? It is. But that’s me. Now and then.

When I looked into your eyes I gave a shit on my reputation. A reputation that was none.


If you think it’s too hard for you to cope with this, being together with me – there’s always a chance for you to say ‘no’. No matter what -  I’ll try to stay your friend. I want you to be happy, Casey. That’s all what counts.


By the way you didn’t tell me anything about you… it’s always me talking…

Forget this – you don’t have to if you don’t want to.


While pulling wet towels out of the washer and throwing them into the dryer my cell phone rang.

“This is First Security. Do you have an alarm system?”

“A pit bull and a Winchester!” I laughed. “What’s up, Case?”

You asked me what I’d be doing at the moment. “Laundry? Are you ill, Zeke?”

This made me laugh again. You asked me if you could come over for your annual Christmas Walk. I couldn’t say no to this though I found it ridiculous.


When we were strolling through the streets I felt thrilled and excited like you.

Cold and menacing, the clouds spit icy pellets. Each shop entrance had a green Christmas tree covered with shiny red bows and golden tinsel. We made if off to a little bookstore I didn’t know so far called “Dreams in letters”. It was quiet, very small and beautiful and completely unhurried. You told me it’s a tradition to you to buy a good book in this tiny independent bookshop. I prefer hearing books read by the author. You looked so disappointed “you won’t find this kind of books here, Zeke. I’m sorry.”

“It’s a lovely little shop, Casey. I love the smell of paper and dust, the fading flickering light of candles…” I got a little book called “Selfdistrust” … maybe it could be of help.


Staring at the glass door the streets were now covered with snow. I pushed the door open and the cold caught my breath. I looked to the right – the cold chapped my face. I looked to the left – the cold froze my tears. You ran outside, throwing your head back and sticking out your tongue swallowing snowflakes. This made me giggle.


We went to the bakery, the aroma of fresh cinnamon sugar buns warmed my heart “Pinch my toes and call me crazy – it just doesn’t get any better than this!” This made you laugh. I love hearing you laughing.


We trudged through the snow, waited as the traffic lights turned from Christmas red to Christmas green. Outdoor lights twinkled. Red and silver diamonds dotted icy evergreens flocked with pillow of white as smoke curled out of the chimneys . I felt so peaceful,

Your smile melted me, your hands warmed me.


“Let’s go home and make some hot chocolate, Casey!”

We almost ran back home when you stopped at my backyard, dropped, making snow angels. “I didn’t do this in years, Zeke! Come on, do it!” I never made snow angels and I wouldn’t start with it today - but I watched you carefully.


Inside it was warm and cozy, we were just happy. Talking, laughing but still very cold.

The wind was now howling outside and I tucked a blanket around your shoulders.

“I don’t need a blanket for warmth , Zeke…” I got us two cups of hot chocolate with cream and sat down by you. You were right, I didn’t feel the cold anymore.


“Casey, when we’ve been at the toy shop this afternoon you left in a hurry. What happened?”

You got tense, very tense … and kept quiet.


After a while you sighed “Ok, it’s only but fair to tell you, even it isn’t easy…”

“Hey, you don’t need to..”

“I know… I don’t know how far I can go … but I’ll give it a try… Just… hold me, please. “


I was confused … what I got to hear made me shiver…





Tags: kingdom of loneliness; fanfiction;

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