Hello f-list! I hope you're all having a wonderful day. Mine was very relaxed and quiet, just beautiful.
Happy Mother's day to all mothers, sisters, godmothers and aunts. Have a lovely day!
It's still raining here but it's very very warm, just came back after a nice little night walk and I feel pretty good.
I just finished little strawberry cakes like this one above (I didn't take the photo, this isn't how mine look like).
Good night, my dear. It's wonderful having you around.
This is for all of you.
Title: CHANGES - Chapter 13-Awakening
Waking up this Sunday morning with a smile on my face I have to think about Casey. His gentle voice, how safe and secure I felt last night. His voice was a whisper but his words rung the truth. He can be commanding, yet almost demure.
Gazing up into the early morning sky I still see the moon peeking out from a cream white sky. I feel warm – inside and out.
“I have a Casey!” – this makes me laughing out loud.
Up with you Ezekiel Tyler! Don’t waste time! Time is precious, life is short. Where the heck does this come from???
While brushing my teeth after I had the heaven of a shower I’m humming, this makes me laugh again, singing along his name while preparing coffee “Casey … Caaa-seeey… Caaaa-seyyyy – you make me craaaazy”. Goodness, double two notes and I’d be the best soprano singer ever.
I remember last night when I came home – Casey gave me a call just to get sure I made it home safely. We talked a little about the birthday party, about the kitchen floor, even about the letters … but only a little. He’s right, who am I to judge my grandma and my … grandpa. I don’t know how he does it but he always brings me down, makes me feel calm and at ease. I love conversation like this, hadn’t that much of them before Casey.
Looking around in my flat I think it’s time to change something there, too. There are still grandma’s old fashioned kitchen tins, the worn carpets in the dining and living room, and this incredibly old ugly brown sofa. Yeah – I should change it to the better.
First I need a plan how to start, where to start. I’ll tile the kitchen floor - as planned -with black and white tiles. I’ll do this today – it can’t be that difficult. But coffee comes first.
It starts raining again, where’s spring when you need it. With warmth and sun and cheering of little kids in the neighborhood. I remember a little boy yesterday morning. He didn’t walk, every second step he skipped – I remember me walking like this, too. It’s wonderful to relax by the fire in the early morning hours, staring into the flames, watching them flickering – daydreaming and enjoying the view from my cozy living room. Cozy – it’s still an exaggeration. But now I know how it shall look like when I’m done with the renewal. Light colours, a big couch, a huge table, few lamps – a bit modern but comfortable. I just talked with Casey about it.
Yes, it should look like, no be like a home not like a storeroom. I live here. Maybe forever.
But when Casey is here it feels like home, no matter how it looks like.
Casey. It’s 7 a.m. – time for him to wake up.
I should call him – yeah, up with you sleepy head.
While dialling Aaron is opening his kitchen window – up early, too. Aaron. Oh my, I think I should talk to him soon. Not now but … soon. Come on Casey, wake up…
“Good morning stranger! Whoever you are - call yourself dead!” I can’t but start laughing again.
“Hey, Case. Good morning. You’re still in bed?”
“Zeeeeeke!” – Ouch, it feels like my eardrum is bursting!
“Zeke! Do you know it’s SUNDAY!!! A freaking fucking SUNDAY – time to sleep in. Time to sleep very long!”
“Calm down, Casey. I want you to come over for breakfast.”
Silence. “Are you mad? It’s yet dark. When did you get up? Why are you up anyway? Did you still have coffee or something like ‘hello-wake-up’? I could come over or you could catch me. After it we could return to your place. Remember we want to tile the kitchen floor. What…”
“Good good Casey. Stop it. “
“Did I say something wrong? ?
“No, Case. I’ll catch you in an hour, k?”
This time it’s me to hang up – calling myself cunning devil makes me giggle.
He has to work on this flood of words in the morning some day.
Now let’s check up if I got all for work today… Checking the tools – tape measure, tile cutter, tile nippers, floor scraper – yes they are complete. Thanks to Aaron. Only a framing square is missing, I could ask Mr. C.
We’ve chosen ceramic tiles because they’re easy to clean and don’t harbour germs. After all it’s a dining corner.
Where does the music come from? Benny Goodman – Aaron. Hm. I can’t avoid talking to him. I won’t get out of his way. No. He’s my grandfather. How must he feel - handing me the letters, knowing I read them last evening and he still doesn’t know anything. What I’m thinking, what I felt when Casey read them to me. So I’m giving myself a nudge to call him. He’s still working in his garden, watering the flowers so I walk over. “Good morning, Aaron. Can you spare a minute? Would you like to come over for a cup of coffee?”
He’s all smiles “oh, that’s nice. Gimme just a second.”
Shortly after he’s knocking at the door. “The door is open!”
“I’ve got us the last 3 strawberry kisses, Zeke…” Looking at them makes me smile again. I’m smiling all morning, phew… who would have known that this is possible.
“Looks like work…”
“I’ll start tiling the floor at the dining room…”
“You know how to do it?”
“Nope. But is can’t be that difficult. Casey will help me. “
Talking with my grandfather isn’t that bad after all. He seems to be really interested in what I’m doing. So I’m talking, explaining and he gives me some tips and advices. He just lets me be myself. Just Zeke. Sipping our coffee, mmm-ing about the cakes the atmosphere is very relaxed. Better as I thought it to be. Though I’m still a tiny little bit nervous. But I want him to know a little something how I feel.
“Thanks for the letters.”
He is getting tense. His hands and his voice are shaking “I wish I’d given them to you earlier.”
I’m watching him, scanning his face. So many wrinkles, definitely things in his life didn’t flow smoothly. I’m sure he had to go through so much. The huge bushy eyebrows, his dark brown eyes nearly as dark as mine, his thick white hair … remembering the photo he surely was a very handsome young man.
“I wish I’d know you better …grandpa.”
This breaks him. He’s fighting against welling tears, touches my hand, squeezing it hard. This almost breaks me, too. I don’t know what to say so I’m linking our fingers. “Thank you, my boy. Grandson. I wish…”
“It’s o.k. It’s the past. We’ll talk about it, we’ll talk a lot about it but later. Not yet. I’m not ready for it. Can you understand this?”
He nods and wears a fond smile, a little bit sad, but a little bit happy, too.
I’ve to clear my throat “I think I should catch Casey…” and the strain eases somehow.
“Ok, my boy. I’ll have to finish a little gardening and then I’ll enjoy Sunday morning with Mr. Goodman. Come over whenever you want…”
“Count on it.”
He stands up, slurping slowly to the door. There he goes my gold grandfather. This image touches me.
He doesn’t turn around, I’m sure he’s weeping.
And he’s gone.
I’m shaking like a leaf but I’m relieved I made this important first step toward him.
Casey. Now I need my Casey.
Love and hugs,