It's very quiet tonight ...
Title: KINGDOM OF LONELINESS
Letters 32 - 33
After I left you I had to laugh for quite a while. Oh yeah, your mom. Just the right moment I would say.
But the longer I thought about it the more scared I became. I could feel my heart beating in my throat. Could it really be that you like me, too? The real me – though I’m absolutely sure you don’t know the real Zeke. I don’t know him as well.
Later in the evening – it was almost dark – I couldn’t stay at home anymore. I had to go out. I wanted to be closer to you. If I’d have had the courage I’d have called you but I didn’t.
Instead I ran through the night until I couldn’t run anymore … I felt like a ghost … unreal and for the first time I needed you so much it made my heart ache.
What I didn’t know was that it should become an unforgettable night. For both of us.
your letters mean so much to me. I don’t know if I would have had the courage sending you letters like you, if you didn’t get it started.
You’re opening your mind, with every letter a little bit more. I’m glad for this but it scares me as well.
Last night when I was looking out of the window the night seemed spooky … mystic.
I saw a dark figure moving alone through the fog. It was … you. Almost unseen, unheard, unknown. What was going on? What was running through your mind? Why were you here? You looked so serious, sad and … hurt. This wasn’t the Zeke who left me this afternoon.
A sudden gust of wind enshrouded you with a foggy cloud, you were almost out of sight.
Then you peeked, no, you stared in my direction – this made my heart stop. You needed me. You knew how much I wanted you to come. We were both hesitating to each other in nothing but our talking eyes.
I don’t know how it happened but then you were here and I realized how cold you were, how tired, how worn out. Why have you been alone that night, where were your so-called friends? Since we meet none of them showed up, they ignore you. You say it doesn’t matter – of course – that you needed and wanted time for us, taking it slow. Murmurs …
“I’m walking through the mysterious mist night after night to bear the misery I created, Casey. It’s all my fault…”
It was quiet, nothing moved – I didn’t care that I had wrapped only a blanket around myself.
I could read your thoughts it seemed, dark and light – then you drew nearer, this made me hold my breath again. Another moan “I wish I wouldn’t know the darkness so well, Casey…But here in the darkness I feel safe and … home. And alone…”
“You’ll never be alone again…” I whispered into your ear as pure magic began.
“Get off your jacket, Zeke…” You felt … ashamed? You even asked me to turn around when you took off your sweater… I felt you right beside me, breathing hard and I opened the blanket to let you in. When I touched your spine under your shirt you winced … scars, big deep scars… You flinched “Don’t, Casey…” There are so many, they are so deep. Even if it was warm in my room you shivered. I waited. And waited. And waited. After a while you started talking again.
“It was few years ago at one of my mom’s big Halloween parties. Many people were dressed like ghosts, vampires, goblins and witches – my mom was dressed – as always – as the witch queen. I was so curious and took a look secretly hidden behind the banister. One of the Frankenstein’s startled me, I slipped, fell down the stairs and stopped right at my father’s feet. He got furious, very furious, tugged me at my hair back up the stairs. In my room he loosened his belt and the scars are the result. But this wasn’t the worst, Case. The worst was that he hit me the first time without being drunk. Before this it was an apology to get hit when he had drunken too much. But for this I couldn’t find any excuse. I only fell down the stairs – nothing more, nothing got damaged besides my soul. The greatest bunch followed the day after when I heard him talking with my mother. He told her about the belt thing. Mom only said “You’ll get a new one, honey. Jesus, this boy is a sin…” Can you imagine how I felt? I felt so worthless…”
“How old were you, Zeke?”
“I was 9 years old. To realize you’re not wanted, they don’t even hate you, you mean nothing to them made me feel sick. I made a real mess in the toilette so the next punches were program to him. And to me. “
I couldn’t believe what I had heard… they can’t be human.
“That’s why it’s hard to believe I mean something to you, Casey. I’m just not used being touched. I’m not used being touched without pain, Casey.”
While you talked tears were streaming down your face. But you straightened your back, wiping away the tears… “Jesus, it wasn’t my intention to cry whenever I’m telling you something about my past. I feel so ashamed, Casey… but I can’t stop…”
Tears are cleaning the soul it is said. I’m sure there are so many tears still waiting to be wept. If it would be possible I’d take away your pain. See – I opened the door to my house and to you – it’s your turn to come in and stay.
It was the first night we slept in each others arms, it was the first time I felt all your love for me. I’ll never let you go, Zeke. Whatever it will be we have to go through – the magical word is “together”.
Looking at you now, caressing the ugly scars on your back, on your chest, touching very carefully not only your smooth skin around them made me feel glad… and sad. You made an important step toward me. My arms were open and this time you feel in.
I love you, Zeke.