A little update - the docor finally found out what kind of virus it is and now I have to be patient and wait for another 4 weeks. Slowly I'm getting used to being at home :-)
Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
when I left you after this significant and very emotional afternoon I was so relieved though I knew I couldn’t get it fixed completely. Too much happened. There are still so many things unspoken but I want to talk to you. Freely, frankly - no more lies.
You were so glad, maybe a little happy at this moment but scared as well – I could see it in your eyes.
I’m anxious to race, to go too far, to push and pull too hard. I told you we’ll make it slow so I will be patient, I have to be patient. It won’t be easy for me but I won’t lose you, Casey. That was close, wasn’t it?
Hell was the days before I talked to you, heaven will always be tomorrow. Somewhere between is the place I am now. It’s confusing? Yes…very much.
I know the dark, Casey – I’ve been there.
I know all kind of trouble ,I know the loneliness – I’ve been there, too.
But you opened the door, you lit a candle to show me the way. To walk along it’s now my part. No matter what I’ll try to find the courage to walk out of the dark … into the light.
Remembering the day I wanted you to go all I had was a sudden empty room with broken windows. The cold … the dark – a catastrophe. Alone is not temporary if I won’t change something, if I don’t face my inner-self as disgusting it will be.
I’ll fight for you, Casey and I’ll fight for myself as hard as I can. I’m always afraid it will be to much for you, that’s why I’m taking two steps back instead of one step forward.
I want to be saved but this isn’t your job. It’s me looking at the world in downpour and thunder, choking on my cowardice, pride, arrogance, weakness and distrust.
But I hope, no, I know there’ll always be your helping hand, your support and your love. Is it love? Won’t think about this now. That I won’t drown in empathy. I said ‘I love you’ – not exactly these words but sort of and I never meant something that serious. It goes so very deep, this makes me weak – you told me ‘no, Zeke. To love and to be loved gives you strength’. I so want to believe it, Casey.
Love. Like contact lenses. Close to the eye. Am I too close, Casey? Or am I too far away? Sometimes I can see clearly … everything … and nothing.
Compared to you I feel … small. But I will grow – slowly. Not only because of you, no. I’ve seen the future in love and trust, maybe sooner or later future will see me, too.
Love and trust. Meaningful words. Only words? No. Essentials of survival. You’re so giving, Casey. I’m not used to closeness, Casey, not that kind of closeness but I’ll learn to accept, to face that there is something good waiting for me.
When you told me yesterday ‘just lean back and relax’, this was so hard for me. It always is. It’s like I’m waiting for a big ‘bang’. So I’m always tense … beware of not losing self-control.
Should I disappoint you, even hurt you once more – believe me, Casey, it’s not my intention. If I am cruse, mean, thoughtless please tell me, it could be I won’t notice it at all.
You’ll learn a lot about me, Casey, but it’s me who’s scared like hell what lies asleep beneath the surface.
If the burden is too hard to carry feel free to do what you must. Just explain it to me, don’t act like I did.
Sitting here, writing this letter – I’m still not sure if I should give it to you –
hugging your jacket, imagining it would be you – I feel close to you. Oh Casey! I wish you would hold me now… I want to hold you, too. Really.
See you soon.
Have a lovely evening, f-list!