julchen11 (julchen11) wrote,

Kingdom of Loneliness

LJ is a weird place sometimes.
My yesterdays letters 26-28 are posted twice, though I didn't post  them at all... Crazy.
I hope today LJ will work properly again :-)

I just arrived home from the doctor. It's a kind of virus thing but he still doesn't know what it is. This means I have to stay at home for another 2 weeks, will have blood tests three times the week. Goodness, a vampire would be starving, LOL.
But I'm feeling better today, hopefully I can stay awake for more than one hour.
I'll survive this, too.
Hey, I survived massive asthma attacks, allergy attacks and stuff like this.
So a little virus won't kill me. NEVER! Life is too beautiful.
Thanks to you, my friends.

So there's a lot of time for writing and reading - if I don't fall asleep again, LOL.
Have a wonderful day with sunshine and moonlight, joy and happiness. You deserve it all!


Talking about writing ...

Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
          Letter 29
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: PG

Dear Zeke,


I just can’t believe what you told me this afternoon. I remember every single word of it, I’ll never forget any of them.


“Casey. All I want to say is I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I did this to you…”


You looked like you were about to cry.


“What do you mean?”


“That I … sent you away. It felt so wrong just after you slammed the door shut.

Just to think you would regret it, you would leave me … drove me mad. So I did what I can best – I throw you out. Hard an ruthless. But it wasn’t easy and it… hurt…”


“But why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you even look at me?”


“If I would have seen your eyes – I wouldn’t have been able to send you away.

When you were gone no music could hide the whispers of fear so I went running.

I ran through a path on the  park. The air was so cold on my hands and my face and I felt I have to scream . Calling out what I’ve lost. I thought I lost you just because I’m such a coward. Near a bench I stopped, I didn’t truly know myself, now there  was just me – with nothing between me and the dark. No moon, no stars, no friends, nothing. I had to face the demons in my soul, to see their true faces, maybe they’d conquer me. I’ve never been as scared in my life as I was that night after you were gone. Just thinking about the cold sends a chill down my spine, even now. I didn’t need to see… to believe in the darkness inside me. I know it is still there, Casey. And I fear it is stronger than I am. Stronger than you.

There’s a hole in my heart, a big one …I wept… tears were burning, falling slowly, constantly, burning my skin as they run down my face. And I so deserved it.

Thinking about our night my heart still overflew with emotions you had created. But emotions drained away, running down through the hole in my heart – leaving me empty once more. I asked myself ‘why did it happen’ many many times. You could change our ways, but maybe I am not strong enough to follow you, Casey. Through all these lies – I let you believe it was just a game I played - I missed you so much. And I did nothing. Nothing at all.

For all the things I am I need you. But it won’t be easy, for none of us.

Then I ran again, hours and hours and hours – there was nothing left back. I felt so cold, so hot. So desperate and so very stupid. I was running away from my past and from my future. I tried so hard to put my fears behind me, but without you it just isn’t possible. Then I realized I am alone. I had to face the truth – sending you away was the biggest mistake in my life. “


“So it wasn’t a game for you, Zeke? You don’t regret it, really?”


You kept quiet and looked back at the floor.


“I was sure you would say no if I pushed too far…”


“But you didn’t even give me a chance, Zeke…”


“I know, Casey. I don’t regret a single moment, I just can’t believe what you did for me, what you did to me… and I can’t believe what I did to myself.”


Your hands trembled so much … You squeezed your eyes shut and pressed your fingers over them.


“You cared for me, Casey. You’ve been there when I needed you most. Isn’t it weird, it only happened one time and yet I feel I want to trust you.  And I still need you. I need you so badly. “


My heart skipped a beat and I whispered…


You need me, Zeke? “


I could see your fight inside yourself against pain and fear, anger and … something very tender.




“Oh, Casey. I want you back. I really want you…”


You collapsed on the chair and sobbed uncontrollably into your hands. After a while

I placed my hands over yours as you held them tightly around the soda bottle on the table.

In a split second I knelt before you and embraced you. Now I couldn’t hold back the tears I didn’t cry so far.

God, how I missed this.

I missed you more than I thought I would… I missed you more than I’ll ever tell you.




Tags: kingdom of loneliness; fanfiction;

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