For my dear mews1945
Thanks a lot, sweetheart!
Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
Letters 26 - 28
I’m glad I visited you today. When you opened the door I was shocked. You looked so pale and thin and sick…
You’re alive, that alone counts.
You’ve been very cold to me – no wonder.
You wouldn’ let me in but your mom called us inside.
I talked about school, the football team, Stan and Stokes.
I know it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. You didn’t say much.
But it wasn’t also what I wanted to tell you.
Now being home again I don’t know what to do. I’m a fool, Casey.
It’s only fair talking to you about what happened.
I want you to understand.
Let me know if this is ok for you.
I’m still not sure if I want to see you again, if I want to hear anything.
But – as you say – it would be only fair.
Come over after school.
thanks for listening. It wasn’t easy for me talking about „it“ …
I couldn’t forget what happened and I couldn’t forget you.
You’ve got the conversation started … and you’ve been so very angry.
“So who was it asking ME for a dance? It was YOU kissing me first.
“That’s true, Casey. But I don’t regret it…”
“Oh, how wonderful. So I guess that was plan A for the game? Round 1 to you.
Be lovely to stupid little Casey – he’ll believe you everything. So plan A worked, Zeke. Congrats! I could still kill myself. I was such a damned fool!”
“How could I be that blind? No… now it’s my turn. You’re incredible, you know that? A master of a game I didn’t know. It was easy to shoot a sitting duck, wasn’t it? I almost begged for being caught. It wasn’t your fault, Zeke. It was my failure…”
When I took your hands you nearly screamed, furiously.
“DON’T touch me. I’m not used to this kind of play – I never will – and I don’t like it.
What did you think when I kissed and touched you? Oh let him do this – he should play around only one time in his boring life?”
“No, Casey. Let me…”
“No, Zeke! What? Do you want to explain the RULES? Didn’t I play FAIR?
You’ve won, Zeke. Right? It was an excellent show!”
“What? I didn’t like the final, Zeke. That’s all. I’m not the winner of this game, I never have been a winner but now I feel like a towel thrown into the laundry basket after being used.
I’m sure you DON’T understand it. Stupid little Casey was an easy prey, right? I’m glad YOU had fun!!!”
“Casey, may I say something?”
“Cool. Go ahead. What’s next? Be sure – I’m eager to know EVERYTHING about it but as I said – I’m not playing this shit again! How is it called by the way? Emotional Disaster especially for Dorks!!!? “
I couldn’t say anything for a while but I could understand that you were so furious, cynical and … hurt.
“Case, about the night…”
“I don’t wanna talk about the GAME, Zeke! Just explain the RULES – that will do it!”
You nearly spat at me.
“When I woke up this morning with you beside me I felt … happy…”
“MEEP! Player 1 back to Start!”
“Damned, Casey. I’m trying to explain…”
“The rules. I know. Go on…”
“Goodness! No! There are no rules…”
“No rules? What kind of game is this?”
“Casey. It wasn’t a game?”
“No game? Oh, then it had to be a BET!”
“NO!!!” My voice was much louder now, my anger grew…
“No game, no bet, no… whatever! Casey! May I talk now?”
You just nodded.
“When I woke up with you in my arms it felt so good. In my head I was screaming at the top of my voice because I felt so happy.”
“MEEP! Player 1 back to START!”
“Casey! I didn’t play. But the longer I was awake the more I was afraid you would regret it. I wasn’t Superman that night, I even wasn’t THE Zeke. I was so sure you’d laugh at me.”
“And? Did I laugh?”
“No, Casey. You didn’t.
“But what was wrong then? What have I done, Zeke?”
“Nothing, Casey. I know myself the best. I’m so sure I’d hurt you sooner or later.”
“You were right, Zeke…”
“I was so blind, Casey…”