julchen11 (julchen11) wrote,

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Kingdom of Loneliness

This is for my dear friend   babydracky 
Thanks for your friendship, lovey!

Banner made by our sweetheart and my muse aliensouldream 
Thanks a lot for everything, dear!

Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
          Letter 14
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: G

Dear Casey,


I woke up this morning with you cuddled up right beside me. My eyes are burning and I'm exhausted. I never cried that much, usually I don't cry easily, it makes me feel weak, ashamed, embarrassed. Happy? I don't know. The way you touched me - not only with your hands - Casey … made me shiver. I wanted to be the strong one. I have to be the stronger one. I don't know what you are doing to me and I don't know whether I like it or not. I can still feel your hands on my body, your lips on my skin…


When I was laying on the floor I felt so warm and … beloved. When you put your head over my heart I couldn't think anymore. You kissed the place where my heart is and asked me quietly if you could pull off my shirt.

"Why, Casey?"

"Because I want to listen to your heartbeat, I want to know how loud and fast your heart beats. I want to know how it feels to touch your skin there, how soft it is…"

This kind of touch was very different to everything I knew so far.

It would have been easy to make love last night yet we didn't. Not in that usual kind of way. When your hands roamed across my chest, to my shoulders, down to my arms, to stop at my heart again – this was so very intense. I was scared and wanted you to stop, I wanted you to go on as well. I felt very comfortable but it scared the shit out of me. I couldn't look at you, this would have been to much … I almost lost control.


I begged and prayed with my eyes closed 'don't let it be a dream…'.

It wasn't a dream and yet it was. I wanted to take you, hard and wild, but I didn't because I couldn't. It's not that I didn't try to go further, to move on … but as soon as I felt your lips on my skin  I couldn't move anymore.


I gave you nothing and everything. Usually I take what I want, now you showed me another way.

It's not this see-you-want-you-got-you-end-of-story-thing, though it would be better for you to leave me alone. It was so hard for me to hold back, so very hard. What is this, Casey?

Is it pity? Is it more? Will you regret it today? Will you laugh at me because of my weakness last night? How will it be when you tell me we should forget about it? If it was only a one-night-stand-thing? As I said – nothing and everything happened.

No. We are almost fully dressed besides my opened shirt and our socks. What do you think of me, Casey? What did you expect?

You defeated me, you won. Am I the looser. Looser of my senses ? I can’t stand this. I simply can’t. It feels wonderful and horrible the same time.


I should send you away – it would be the best. It would be more hard if you would leave me. Sooner or later. Today. Tomorrow. Next week. It will hurt but I'll survive as I survived the past. You will leave me, I know it. No one could deal with it…me… so far, so why should you be an exception.

What do I want? If I only would know. God, I'm a liar. I want you but it's too much …

For me… for you… for us.

It breaks my heart that I've to send you away, maybe it will break me. Me and my fucking pride. No, just my heart. Only my heart. I can’t let this happen at the moment.


You're moving – only to get closer to me. Your hair smells like vanilla, it's so soft and shiny. I can't stop watching you. For the last time. When you're awake I must send you away. It will hurt only one time.


I feel nauseous. Tiptoeing to the bathroom, looking at the mirror makes me hold my breath. Eyes swollen, nose pink, lips cracked – I bit them last night to keep quiet until I could taste blood. This morning the real Zeke is looking at me, it hurts more than the lie I have to tell you.

Do I like you? Yes and … no

Do I adore you? Yes and no.

Do I admire you? No and yes.

Do I … love you?

Or is it pure lust? Not only …

Is it desire? Yes, oh yes.

If you regret last night it will be easier for you to go.

Will you regret it?

Do I regret it? Yes and no…

What the hell have I done? You asked me if you should stop several times, I wish I would have had the power to say 'yes'… I said no – because I was … curious. Come on, Tyler.

It wasn't curiosity. The truth will remain – unsaid.


I'm running in circles around Casey. This has to stop.

I wish … no… I'll send him away, for his own sake.


I'm sad.



Tags: kingdom of loneliness; fanfiction;

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