Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
My dear Zeke,
When you told me about your dreams it showed me that you trust me. When you told me it would be better for me to leave you – how could I? Now that you let me know who you are, what you are.
There were moments you couldn't barely speak, you struggled to go on. Your face showed me so many emotions. Sadness, loneliness … You're mature on the surface but deep inside you are just a hurt little boy.
Your eyes were tightly closed as you looked deep – deep inside yourself. I stood up and walked to the other side. I gently pulled you up to me and put my arms around you. Our height difference was such that your chin could rest perfectly on my head. We only stood there for a while, I was hugging you to me, took it slowly, wanting you to find out the right way, the way that you wanted.
I placed my hands over yours, caressing them slightly with my thumbs. I reached a hand behind your neck, played with your hairs lightly. You immediately froze and looked at the ceiling.
"When was the last time someone really touched you, Zeke?" I whispered.
Your eyes were closed, your mouth was slightly open, your lips quivering. A salty soulful river of tears were running down your face. I caught them in my hand to kiss them away… so near… so close …
"I can't remember anything like this, Casey. No one ever did this to me…"
You trembled so very much. "There's no place to hide…" you murmured. I held your hands – nothing more – until the shakes subsided. I never let you out of sight … that made you shiver even more.
You put your arms gently around my waist…
"Let me see you with my hands, Zeke…"
I felt your arms tighten around me but you nodded .
I let my fingers roam along your arms, slowly, featherlike, touching soft skin… stopped at your shoulders.
Your face was flushed and you were panting softly.
Then you opened your eyes – meaningful secrets began to unfold. Moonlight landed softly on your skin, smooth and quiet like angel's feathers.
You need me Zeke – as much as I need you.
While slowly lifting my face to yours the glimmer in your eyes made my heart race.
I placed the softest kiss I could possibly accomplish on your lips. Tasting you. I moved in to deepen the kiss and you opened your lips a little more to allow me access. I gently probed around your tongue and finally felt you responding a little.
I broke the kiss and looked at you. You were so beautiful.
"You are beautiful, Zeke. So beautiful."
Your eyes flew open and you stared at me with disbelief. With shaking hands you touched my face … I felt a little sob running through you.
"Are you ok, Zeke?"
You clung to me and hid your face on my shoulder.
"Shall we stop, Zeke?"
You shook your head, sobbing against my neck.
"I'm born in the dust, cradled in the dark … tonight I won't hold onto visions, Casey. This night is day in birth… please, Casey. Stay."
Your knees buckled and you sank down. I looked at you, your body was shaking while you cried.
Kneeling beside you I just stroke your head. This made you weep even harder.
How much pain did you have to bear?
How many scars I don't see are left on your wonderful soul?
We walked a secret path tonight in moments of our quiet intimacy.
"I'm such a burden, Casey."
God, I was having trouble holding back my own tears…
I turned you around and laid my head over your heart. "You'll never be a burden for me, Zeke. Believe me. I'm here… I'm here…"
I meant it, Zeke. God, I'm so grateful to be here now while you are sleeping.
I'll help you to carry your emotional scrapbook, whenever you want me to. You took the first step to cross your boundaries… It's a beginning, Zeke. And I'm here, I always will be.
Because it's you I've been waiting for.
While I'm writing this right beside you – I'm watching you.
I have to touch you… I need to touch you… Your eyes are still swollen from all those tears… Tears of lost childhood, tears of lost love, maybe tears because of new found love and faith, too. Your lips are full and red, the result from thousands of kisses we shared tonight.
You're still holding my left hand. Tight. Very tight. As if I would leave you if you would let go.
I'm watching you breathing, deep and slow.
Now it's me crying, soundless, endless …
I am strong enough, Zeke. You and I – together we'll make it.