julchen11 (julchen11) wrote,

  • Mood:

just thinking ...

This is for my dear honeyandvinegar</lj> 
Thanks so much for everything, sweetheart!

Title: Diary
Pairing: C/Z
Rating: PG

Finally everyone is gone, now I have the place all to myself. My heart is racing as I run my hand over your jacket – did you forget it on purpose? I hope so.


My diary – my constant companion through all the years. Sometimes I turn back the time, reading entries of former days. Memories.


I call it dream dictionary for a short time because the last weeks were like a dream. No one knows about my diary, not even Casey -  it’s just for me. To keep my memories,my secrets, my desires.


Entry of today, 2 a.m.


We talked a lot these days, Case and I. I like him.

We talked about dreams. Dreams have been a mystery to people since ever. They are communication of body, mind and spirit. We want to understand them, to know what they mean. I think we dream nearly all the time, even while awake or should I say especially while awake. Different states of consciousness like bored, excited, drowsy, alert, asleep, awake,

Concentrating or daydreaming – cause different activity… brain activity.

I never called myself a dreamer. Of course there I imagined things but imaginations are nothing compared to dreams.

Last night I had a strange dream of caged hawks and a shadow asking me always the same question “Have you ever met a guy who seemed to be Mr. Right?” Mr. Right … if he exists… what would this mean. Casey? Casey, yes, Casey.


We share a deep emotional bond, I am the one he’s open up to, he’s looking to for support … inspiration? He listens to me, make me feel attractive, even beautiful? He constantly reminds me of how stunning I am. I’m always embarrassed , not that I would admit it. No. fucking. Way! I sound so selfish, my thoughts make me blush.


He makes me blush because Casey is all this. No words are necessary. He gives me comfort and security, the little question “How was your day?” brings him closer to me. We don’t touch much in public because we both don’t like it, only a gentle pad on the shoulder, unintentional touches of your hands while we are walking, holding hands secretly in the darkness of the cinema. We save our touches for intimate moments when we are alone. Only him and me. Feels good. So good.


Sitting here I notice I’m writing with trembling fingers, the pen “breathing” letters on the paper as if it wouldn’t dare to stop my thoughts. I read the last words again just to get sure I did them right.


Casey. He asked me tonight “Do you know what I always wanted?”

Before I could shake my head he embraced me and said “I wanted to fall right into the arms of the man I really want, the man I love. It’s just… it’s you, Zeke…”

There it was – this immense overwhelming “forever” feeling. It wouldn’t have been possible months ago … I’m not ashamed anymore, I’m not embarrassed in telling him “I love you, too.” – but only in my diary. So I’m the one for him as he’s the one for me?


I didn’t know I’d ever find someone who can keep my attention, my interest, who can catch my heart. Mr. Right is hard to find but I’ve found him.


About the hawks in my dream :

Hawks symbolize freedom. If the hawk is caged it might mean that you’re not able to express your inner self.


I’ll work on it.



I AM working on it.


Because I want to keep my Casey.


Result of today: it was a good day. I liked it. No anger.

I love my Casey.

Good night, my friends. Have a wonderful weekend!

Tags: c/z; zeke's diary;

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