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This letter is for addie71
Love you all,
Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
you call yourself crazy because of this dream? Oh, Casey… It isn't you, believe me, it isn't you… You can't imagine what happened inside my … head when I listened to you.
Talking about your 'dream lover' and the reason why you couldn't kiss the other boy.
Oh my God! Oh my fucking God!
It took me hours to explain it. You looked so hurt and first I couldn't do anything against it.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Why is it always easier at night, especially to talk about something … weird.
In your presence I feel naked, naked as a new born child and so damned vulnerable. Because I care, because you care for me…
Standing at the window I started …
"I had dreams, too, Casey. I always had dreams. Dark dreams. Nightmares. Most of the time I felt haunted in the night. In the cold. I felt like iron fingers wrapped around me … around my heart. I always ran as long as I could but there was no escape. Not a single night. Sometimes the coldness wouldn't go away even when I was awake. It made me nervous and angry. It wasn't always the same dream but all dreams were similar … sort of."
"When did they begin, Zeke?"
"Maybe 2 or 3 years ago, I don't remember…"
"Why have you been that beside yourself when I told you about … my dream? I don't understand… "
It was so hard to go on, maybe you won't believe…
"Zeke, hey… I'll listen to you, ok … "
"In those dreams there was a man haunting me. Dressed in black, tall and slim … a stranger yet he seemed so familiar to me. But – like you – I didn't see his face… never … until…"
I had to stop to soothe my nerves.
"Until last month. He turned around and … and…"
"Zeke, whom did you see?"
You whispered, your voice was shaking as much as mine when I continued.
"He turned around and it was me. It was me, Casey. I was shocked, couldn't sleep for days… I didn't dare to sleep… The worst of it … do you really want more, Casey? I could stop if you want me to …"
"No, Zeke. Go on…"
"I was so … cold, emotionally dead, mean, torturing and hurting other people. Especially one guy. I didn't know him. Another time I couldn't see the face. I treated him night by night, it was all the more dark.
One night the colour of my dreams changed into … blue… and I KISSED that boy. Not a tiny little kiss, not a simple kiss without any meaning… God, no. It felt so … real… passionate, demanding, never ending until the boy … faded. I was looking for him in my dreams, in real life, too. It only happened one time but I could feel this kiss for weeks. I felt disgusted by myself, confused, thrilled … dead because I never saw him again.
As I said – I never saw his face but then I saw you at the school yard like I did before. There was something different going on. This time I REALLY looked at you "
Hugging myself, crouching on the floor, I couldn't stop. Casey, you looked so pale, shocked and thunderstruck… No… I couldn't do this to you but you didn't even try to stop me…
"I wanted to find out what those dreams meant but I didn't dare to look for it. I struggled for words, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight … It hit me like an arrow. The centre of my desire was you. All desperation, yearning, lust, obsession … ended in you. When we shared the first tiny little kiss I knew the guy in my dreams was you. It wasn't a joke when I told you you are in danger, Casey. I want you, Casey, more than anything else but I fear for you because of me… I don't know what will be happening, it could be I'll hurt you, Casey. Not on purpose, believe me…
When I kissed you last night, I was … out of control, I can't describe the feeling… when we broke the kiss it was hard for me to come back, back to myself… out of you… Casey…"
Sinking down on my knees you came to me, holding me, rocking me like a child. I felt so embarrassed… no… ashamed..
"Casey, maybe you should go away as long as you can …"
"Zeke, my Zeke. It was a dream, it was just a dream…It shows me how lonely you must have been the last years. But now I'm here and I won't go. I'll never go."
"But Casey … I can't guarantee for anything. I'm afraid …"
"Shhhh… Zeke… listen…"
When I looked at your face I saw … love… pure and deep love.
"Casey. You don't have to do this. Casey, please …"
You hugged me tight, pushing me down on the floor … with you on top of me, your arms around me, my heart was beating in my throat…
"Zeke. You are my dream lover, let me be yours … You have to learn how to feel… let me teach you… please…"
And then you kissed me and I passed out.