Title: Kingdom of Loneliness
you don't know how much your letters mean to me. They feel soooo alive, I can hear your voice, I can see your face, every movement you made, I can even see you sitting at your desk writing the letter to me.
You always leave me thoughtful.
I remember this very special moment when you told me something about your beloved grandmother. I guess she was the only one who was really interested in you, how you felt, what you thought. Her last words to you
"Don't worry, sunshine. You'll find someone special to love. This special person will love you with all his or her heart. Be a good person, Ezekiel, and life will be good to you as well. There will be good times and not so good time, but remember me, my boy. There is always hope. Even when you think it won't go on." With this words she closed her eyes forever you said. When you took my hands and kissed them, whispering "She was right, Casey. My grandma was so very right…" you looked so peaceful, though I could see the pain in your eyes.
We kept quiet for a while because no words were needed. I just held you, caressing your face, spellbound by just you.
"are you tired?"
"No. Casey… Why do you ask?"
I put my hands on your chest, breathing in very deeply … "I told you … that there was a boy last summer. Then he kissed me but I couldn't kiss him back…"
"You don't have to do this, Case…"
"I know, but I want to… I have to tell you, Zeke…"
You pulled me closer, kissing my scalp "I'll listen, Casey…"
"I won't keep it secret … even it makes me feel a bit … uncomfortable – maybe you won't understand it. May I tell you?"
"you don't have to ask…"
You kissed me softly to ease the pain and pain it was.
"I met this boy on our holidays. We met a few times, we talked and it was pretty nice.
After a few days he asked me for a date at the beach and because of the troubles I had with my parents I agreed … not only to provoke my dad, no… I was curious, too. I had fun, I enjoyed it and then he kissed me. Out of the blue. I was … shocked, surprised, but not disgusted … though I didn't feel ANYTHING. He asked me, begged me to kiss him back but I couldn't…"
"Do you know why, Casey?"
"Y…es. God, Zeke, it's so weird…"
"It bothers you, tell me, Case…"
At this moment I couldn't look at you, I felt insecure, weak and… so very crazy.
"The night before I had a dream. An incredible dream. God, I know you'll call me crazy, Zeke. I'm so scared to…"
"Casey, hey, Casey… I'm listening, ok? I won't call you crazy, I won't laugh at you, k?
I'll try to understand, don't be afraid…"
I snuggled closer into your arms, with my lips on your neck I started talking again.
"This dream still gives me chills, Zeke. In this dream there was a man I was … attracted to. He seemed to understand, he seemed to know me. My dreams, my secret desires…I couldn't see his face though he looked straight into my eyes. I couldn't hear his voice though he talked to me soft and tender. I couldn't feel his skin though I touched him. I enjoyed his company as much as I was scared. He was so lovingly but dangerous too. With him I felt safe, but I felt the need for protection as well. When I woke up next morning I didn't even know if it had been a dream because it felt so real. I could still feel his breath on my face, the taste of his skin on my palms…”
Hugging me tighter you asked me with a trembling voice "How did he look like? Do you remember anything?"
"I don't know exactly as I told you. But he was very tall and slim… strong, too. A little bit dark and scary.
When the beach boy kissed me it just didn't feel … right. It wasn't fair to him. Because the night before the man in my dreams kissed me, too. It felt like I would be flying… I remember the colour blue in this dream. Blue means stillness, depth, wideness… When he stopped kissing me he whispered "Wait for me, Casey…" and this time his voice sounded familiar somehow. I opened my eyes but I couldn't see him, Zeke. Because of him, because of the love in my dreams I couldn't kiss the other guy…
Zeke… Do you think I'm crazy?"
You didn't say anything but you started shaking, holding me tighter (I didn't know this would be possible) you SOBBED "Oh my god, Casey…Casey…Casey…".
I was more than confused because I didn't understand…
And then you told me…
With all my love,