Finally I had some time!!! The week was hard and long but good. I finished laundry and housework, fed the cats, combed one of them (hard task I can tell you) . I think I'm going to watch some DVD's - 30 days of night, Wake and QaF are waiting for me. But this can wait a little bit longer :-)
I hope you're all doing well and weekend runs good for my f-list!
The incredible banner is made by my dear friend and muse aliensouldream</lj>
Thank you, lovey!
The next letters are for honeyandvinegar</lj> because she's simply a darling!
Title: Kingdom of Loneliness / Letters 7 and 8
“There have been few boys, strangers. Give me some time to talk about it, Zeke… With you it’s different. “
I asked you to tell the difference … but you kept quiet… “It’s the past, Zeke. Let’s start anew, only you and me…”
“We’ll take it slow, Casey, very slow…”
“You don’t need to do this, to be slow…”
“Casey, Casey … but I want it just like this.”
Then I started talking, the first time in years… All was calm, the night quiet, still as still could be. The atmosphere was distinctively emotional.
“I always dreamed of a special place. As if my life would mean something in this corrupted world.
There were my parents. I loved them with all my heart, as much as a child could do.
I adored my dad, I loved my mom. Then they tore my heart out of my chest when they left me. They shattered it into many little pieces. I never was the sweet little boy they wanted me to be. It was all my fault. They walked away like my love was nothing. I never felt more forlorn. For me at this moment is was the end of the world. I felt as if I wouldn’t be able to survive. All the promises they made, all the hope and dreams – broken. I tormented myself, I hurt myself, I nearly killed myself. I thought a lot about it. My parents left me, their kid, how could someone else take care of me or even like me. They missed their freedom, they cared more for their money than for me. Every night I cried myself to sleep but there was no one there to comfort me, no one who hugged me…
After a long time I made a decision, never ever would I love someone. The phrase “I love you” meant nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. When I felt the so called primal desire growing I took what I could get, no matter what. It was lust without emotions. I erased my parents and my childhood from my memories. I became THE Zeke, cold, selfish and arrogant.
I removed every sign of my past and now I tore my parents out of my heart. Mother, father – only letters building two meaningless words. Now I don’t even hate them, because hate is a feeling. It’s close to love. I never cried again, I never laughed again, too.
I got my heart back but not my soul. The scars in my heart were deep but slowly they faded, barely to see, even for me. End of story - I thought.
Then last summer – you stumbled into my life. I fought against feeling something, whatever it would be. I tried to hate you, Casey, but I couldn’t. So I treated you, laughed at you, ignored you, avoided to see you – without success.
It just couldn’t be. So I “dated” even more girls and women. They couldn’t get me satisfied because I couldn’t get you out of my head. I couldn’t, I couldn’t … I wouldn’t.
I cried out for love at night, for love I’ve never known. I became more cold, I hated myself more than I ever did before.
When we worked together at school previously I started dreaming again. I couldn’t believe it, where did those dreams come from. No. No feelings. No, I didn’t hate you… I couldn’t hate you.
I dreamed of a place with you, of a place in your heart, a place without fear, without regret. I felt too much and I let it happen because I was so tired of this loneliness. We talked. You talked to me as if I would be an ordinary person… this confused me. Didn’t you see how I am, didn’t you see what I am? “
All the time I talked and you said nothing. Looking at you I saw your tears, so much tears. All the time you held me close and then …
an then … we both kept quiet. Looking at your face … exhausted, hurt but relieved, too.
I didn’t know what to think, I didn’t know what to say – I couldn’t believe what you told me. You’ve been too young to be left behind, alone, without anyone.
“This makes me so sad, Zeke. I have so much to say about the feelings for you.. in my heart…Now more than ever…”
Your hair hid your pretty face, your open eyes glared at me … there were teardrops running down your face. You took my hands, squeezing them, twining our fingers. Your head was now resting on my chest, fingers playing, I’ll never be able to describe this special moment.
“Zeke, I wish I would know what to say…”
“You don’t have to, Casey. I never talked that much, I never talked about this to anyone…”
“You’re a good man, Zeke. You’re not as cold and superficial as you want people think you to be. Don’t think so less of yourself. You have so much to give…”
This made you weep even more… I held you tight, very tight …
“I wish to be the earth carrying you in my arms to view the world.
I can’t describe how much I care for you. I’ll try as much as I can to give you warmth and … love… I wish … I could be the wind and I could be by your side day by day…”
When you lifted your head and kissed me featherlike I was … overwhelmed.
It was a kiss without passion but with so much … love, Zeke.
You nestled your head in my lap and I started talking. Out of the blue…
“I’m not the little lamb you think me to be, Zeke. “
“You don’t have to tell me, Casey. It’s none of my business…”
“I know… but I want to let you know… There should be no secrets between us…”
You squeezed my hands again, kissed them and listened…
“When did you notice me the first time, Zeke?”
“What did you think…”
“Oh my, first I was shocked about myself. Because … suddenly I seemed more interested in you than in girls. It just couldn’t be. No. I watched you to know the reason why I was …
“Interested in what?”
“In you… But the summer passed, I dated even more girls with the result that I became all the more insecure. Last months we had to work together for this chemical thing and after three days I had to admit – I enjoyed your company. Then you caught a chill, you had to stay at home for the rest of the week and I felt … empty. Angry. Sad. Whatever. So I had to figure it out with myself what this meant. Then you came back and I felt… better…”
“Yes, better. You know the rest, Case… “
“So you knew there was something going on between us?”
“No, I didn’t know anything because I can’t think when you are close to me… What about you? When did you see me the first time?”
“Don’t call me crazy. It happened last summer, too… It was the first summer I didn’t kiss a boy, I just couldn’t do this anymore… I never was really interested in the boys who kissed me. It was like – you can kiss me, you can touch me, you can feel me, but when you say you love me it’s GAME OVER!. “
“Do I know the boys, Casey?”
“When did you notice you are gay, Casey?”
“When I was about … 14 or 15… When I was a child my mom always wanted a girl, that’s why she has chosen my name, it’s a female’s name as well… I don’t know how many times she told me she wished I’d be a girl… You can’t imagine how it feels to hear it over and over again. I always thought she’d love me more if I’d be a girl. I was so sad and after few years I froze inside. In fear I kept lying on the ground … inside myself. I wanted to be a boy …”
“What about your dad?”
“He barely noticed me … He always called me ‘softie’, then dork and geek – so you see, it wasn’t new to me when I came here and people at school called me like that…
2 summers ago I found out that I was … gay and I wanted to ask my mom something about gay people… Oh my, I’ll never forget this day. Mom cried, ran to my dad telling him everything and I simply asked ‘what would you think if I tell you I would be gay?’ – Jesus, a massive hurricane couldn’t have been worse. My dad ‘bellowed’ for hours and the he hit me hard that I may become ‘normal’. Remember – I only asked one question. Suddenly my mom ignored me, she was disgusted. My dad said – ‘now we’re going to play my rules’ and he hit me many many times. When I turned 16 I said to myself, ok – I’ll fight back. And I provoked him at vacation. Intentionally I kissed a boy, better, I asked a boy to kiss me right in front of their eyes. He wasn’t a very good kisser but it served the purpose. Another time he beat me but now more than ever I continued … I always made sure they could see me.
But the pleasure took it’s price, I didn’t know I have to pay that much. The darkness took my pride, too. My soul was bleeding, my wings were broken and nobody recognised it.
Nobody knows about this … People think they know me, the stupid little geek, weird, non-existing and most of all sexless…
Last summer I looked into your eyes the first time and there was something to see what I didn’t know so far. All the problems I had seemed to go away. I couldn’t stop thinking of you. It was getting harder every day. All these thoughts of you running through my mind have been worth suffering.
It was one day at the beach I thought that behind my dark sunglasses I was free to stare all I wanted, but you gave me a sideways glance, smiled at me, looked away and kept walking. After I had calmed down a bit, I looked around to see where you were. To my surprise and delight, you were was sprawled out on a beach towel just a few feet to my right, lying on your back, shirtless, enjoying the sunshine. I took note of every contour, line, shadow, crease, muscle, and hair pattern.
When I reached your face, again you were looking right at me, grinning knowingly. Too afraid to look back--afraid of exposing myself to you, to me -I did what I did best. I did nothing. And I daydreamed and fantasized.
Enjoy this wonderful day, night , morning,
Love and hugs,