Title: Nightmares and fears
beta by my wonderful friend aliensouldream
Thanks, lovey! Without you this wouldn't be possible.
“Nightmares and fears”
„Zeke! Zeke!!!“ Another nightmare is haunting Casey, it always startles me and I feel weak, angry and so sorry for him.
“Ssshhh… Casey, Casey … wake up… It’s just a dream… I’m here…”
He looks at me confused, at the edge of tears.
He leans on me, sobbing “Zeke… it was … horrible. I tried to crawl across the floor but I couldn’t reach you. She held me back, she grabbed my legs, bound my hands and she put a plaster across my lips. I could hear you screaming but I couldn’t see you…”
It takes me quite a time to calm him down, after one hour he fell asleep again. How long will this go on. How long will I have the strength to handle this. Kissing the tip of his nose I’m slipping out of our bed. He needs me, more than ever.
It’s the lump in my throat , the darkness that envelopes me. There are voices in my head, laughing at me
“Who are you to be loved? Your love isn’t strong enough. You’ll lose him.You’ll be alone again.”
And I don’t even dream – the voices are haunting me, more and more. I won’t let Casey know about it, so I’m creeping out of the house, running until I can’t anymore. The moment Case was alone with Marybeth was the darkest in my life. He could have died. Only thinking about it makes me scream. But we survived, sort of.
Deep in the forest is the only place I can let go, I can cry, shout, I can hammer against the trees until my hands are bleeding.
“You can’t escape!”
No. No. NOOOO!!! Oh Casey… Casey…
I’ll never leave my Casey, never ever!
“Never say never! He’ll leave YOU, Zeke-boy!”
No. No. NOOOO!!! These voices – I want them to stop. Stop it! STOP IT!
I’m not as strong as I want to be, but I won’t show it. I must not show it. I have to protect Casey but I can’t help myself. I don’t know how many times I came here confused, exhausted, sad and angry, scared to death that I could lose Casey.
Coming home Casey is waiting for me, his eyes blurred by tears. He looks so pale and small. “Casey? What happened?”
He snaps at me “Why are YOU asking?”
I don’t understand.
“It wasn’t a nightmare, Zeke. I can’t reach you, you left me alone like many nights before. Why don’t you let me be a part of your life?”
This breaks my heart… “Casey… oh Casey, if you could know…”
I won’t cry but now I can’t hold back… “Casey…” I feel his arms around me.
“Tell me why do you fly, secretly, that I may not know it? That I may not know WHAT?”
I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t want him to feel alone.. But…
Did I say it aloud? I inhale deeply “There are voices, Casey… In my head. They are torturing me…”
“He won’t understand, he mistrusts you!!!”
Casey shakes me “Zeke…Zeke! Listen! We have to face this together. We won’t make it alone, neither you nor I. Trust me, Zeke… Don’t run away anymore. I want to be here for you as you’re always here for me. Don’t you ever leave me alone, please…”
Oh Casey… it’s so very hard …
He kisses me soft and gently.
“It hurts so much, Casey… I don’t know where it comes from, I don’t know those voices but they become louder and louder. Sometimes I can’t even hear you…”
“Why should you be that happy, boy. You don’t deserve it!”
These voices… they’re killing me.
“Zeke! Zeke! What’s up? It’s the voices again?”
I can only but nod, I can barely hear Casey.
“Zeke? What do they say? Tell me, please! Zeke?”
The sudden stillness hits me. Casey takes me hands, he’s so cold and he looks so scared.
“God, I’m so sorry, Casey… That’s not what I wanted.”
Hugging him tight I can’t talk anymore… And why am I crying again? Usually I don’t cry that much…
“You’re crying because of your LOVER!”
“Casey, they are back again… oh my god…”
Stroking my back he whispers into my ear “Talk to me, Zeke. Don’t be quiet. Just talk…”
“At night they are the worst… they won’t go away anymore. They are here in my head until dawn. Casey, I won’t lose you,
But then … there’s nothing. Only Casey. Please God, let it be over for tonight…
I’ve never seen Zeke like that, it scares me to death. I don’t know what to do. He needs help. He needs me. Yes, he needs me. In only I can love him more, if this is even possible. The last days he was so close to unconsciousness, now I know why I couldn’t reach him, why he didn’t hear me…
“No, Zeke. You’ll never lose me. Listen to me, Zeke… just listen…”
I’m trying to stay calm but I so want to shout, to run away… No, Casey Connor. You won’t run away.
“Listen, Zeke… We are the masters of our souls, because WE have the power to control our thoughts. Never be afraid to think, never be afraid to talk to me. Wake me up when I’m sleeping, call me when I’m not here. Thoughts are our energy, Zeke. You can make your world by your thinking. “
I’m still holding him, he’s shaking, stroking his back, kissing his cheeks, rocking him like a baby slowly reassures him. His breathing becomes more regular..
“Casey, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t mean to …”
The kiss we share means so much to me. I put all the love in it…just to show him how much he means to me.
“Life isn’t always what we want it to be but we’ll make the best of it as it is. We have the strength and the courage when we’re together.”
He snuggles closer, I can feel his tears on my neck.
I’ll fight for my love I promise myself silently.
My stomach seems to be tied in thousand knots, your lips taste of salt as I’m breathing you in.
“I love you, Casey. Here in the deepest secret nobody knows … I’d give my life to you…”
In the darkness under the blankets he slowly begins to drift away. Now there’s comfort and warmth and most of all understanding. I feel my worries melt away and I’m sure we’ll make it.
Listening to his heartbeat makes me feel happy. You’re the centre of my being, too.